53 - The Last Oxonian Pirate

Words by The Arrogant Worms / Libbi Wittenberg
Tune by © The Arrogant Worms

In the 1990s, Canadian comedy-music group 'The Arrogant Worms' wrote a song called "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate". It is based on the absurd notion of a pirate crew forming in Saskatchewan, a landlocked province in Western Canada. The joke in the song was a crew of pirates who existed nowhere near the sea.

In the 2010s, Bristol-based folk band "The Longest Johns" rewrote it. Possibly entirely missing the point, they chose to set the song in Bristol, a port city famous for pirates. That didn't quite work for us.

So now, in the 2020s, one of the Auntie Shanty crew has re-written it again, reclaiming the song for a landlocked part of the world.

Well I used to be a tutor, and I made a living fine,
I had a bunch of students from noughth week 'til week nine
But now it’s the long vacation and the kids they just aren’t there
I’ve a book to finish editing and it’s more than I can bear

I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
“Hire you now?” they’d always laugh, “we just let twenty go!”
A summer school, they promised me a measly little sum
But I’ve got too much pride to just move back in with my mum.
So I thought, who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone?
I’ll be a pirate on the TOWPATH from Folly Bridge to Donnington!

And it’s a heave! ho! hi! ho! Cyclin’ round The Plain
Stealin’ from the caravan that’s in the other lane
It’s a ho! hey! hi! hey! Houseboats batten down
When you see the Jolly Roger flying proud through Oxford town

Well, you’d think the local boaters would know that I’m at large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser,
I stole their wallets and their laptops but I left the fertilizer!

The bridge that’s down by Christchurch spans the mighty river
Townies cross in so much fear their stomachs are a’quiver
Cause they know that Doctor Jack is hidin’ in the bay
I’ll jump the bridge and knock them cold and you know I’ll make them pay!

And it’s a heave! ho! hi! ho! Cyclin’ round The Plain
Stealin’ from the caravan that’s in the other lane
It’s a ho! hey! hi! hey! Houseboats batten down
When you see the Jolly Roger flying proud through Oxford town

Well, Officer Bobby chased me, he was always at my throat
But he called it theft and burglary cause I didn’t own a boat
But cutbacks were a’coming and the copper lost his job
So now he’s cycling with me, and I call him Salty Bob!

A swingin’ sword, a skull and bones and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax; screw the VAT (SCREW IT!!)
Pedalling down by Cowley Road, the scourge of Oxford East
If you wanna get to Tesco boys, you gotta get by me!

And it’s a heave! ho! hi! ho! Cyclin’ round The Plain
Stealin’ from the caravan that’s in the other lane
It’s a ho! hey! hi! hey! Houseboats batten down
When you see the Jolly Roger flying proud through Oxford town

Well, the pirate life’s appealing but you don’t just find it here,
I hear that down in Cambridge there’s a band of buccaneers
They roam around the colleges from about the first of May
And you’re gonna lose your mortarboard if you have to pass their way!

Well, winter is a’comin’, I can feel it in my blood
My pirate days are over once the river starts to flood
I’ll be back after Hilary but for now I’ll just sit tight
I guess I’ll have to do my pirating through breach of copyright!

And it’s a heave! ho! hi! ho! Cyclin’ round The Plain
Stealin’ from the caravan that’s in the other lane
It’s a ho! hey! hi! hey! Houseboats batten down
When you see the Jolly Roger flying proud through Oxford town